I don’t write music reviews, but today my buddy Jeremy suggested that I write a review of a band using the metal music reviewer voice that writers use to promote bands either on tour or in album reviews. He suggested that I do one for Cher or the Village People, but I decided to do Metallica, since I just heard their new record the other day. It’s officially snarky, but I think fits within the canon of album reviews.
Once an indomitable foe in the dungeons of 80’s metal, Metallica surfaced
as vapid hard-rock slumlords in the 1990’s. They slumped through nearly a
decade of sub-mediocre albums, while showing thier soft, greedy
underbellies through various copyright lawsuits, and a sadly narcisistic
documentary. Now in a vain attempt to regain some sort of relevance,
they’ve produced an album which has all the heart of a Puppet, without a
Master to give it life. On listening to Death Magnetic you can actually
hear Metallica struggle to keep up with their genre.